The Four Wise Men

 

This is the first part of a four series blog regarding the four military men that shaped my professional career. It’s a tribute to those that have made me emotionally tough enough for business. 

“Feet on the floor, Theodora”. Those are the words I heard every morning growing up if my dad beat my alarm clock. He wasn’t there to be my friend or pretend to be my boyfriend, like so many of my friends’ fathers. He was there to teach me discipline and how to be an adult.

While my dad grew up in a family of resource, he did not rely on it. Upon graduating high school he joined the Air Force Academy to pave his own path. The Air Force Academy has a philosophy that first you need to be a great follower. Then you can become a great leader. He flew in Vietnam and returned home to fly jets for Delta Air Lines. He took his G.I. bill and went to Law School. He practiced law and flew with Delta for over 30 years.

When your father is an attorney/pilot you may anticipate that his youngest daughter might reap some reward of his financial success. Being the fourth child, his patience at that point was spent and he relied on the style that suited him the best – military. I grew up in an affluent town and ran in “popular” crowd. I recall being jealous of my friend’s father’s in the sense that they would spoil them with gifts and attention. I

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Derek Lam coat outside of the Chapel of Cadets at USAF.

remember a friend of mine receiving a new

convertible BMW for her 15th birthday. On my 15th birthday, I was permitted to find a job to pay for the things I wanted. So, I worked a lot and sometimes late and that’s when I’d wake up to “feet on the floor, Theodora”.

My friend’s parents would also be involved with their teachers. If the child disagreed with the teacher, the parent would get involved. I would see my friends’ parents show up at school and verbally shake a fist at teachers for their kids. I recall once that I had an issue with a math teacher, and I brought it to my father’s attention with the anticipation that he would handle it for me. His response to me was, “he has the grade book, so he is in control.” Essentially my dad said that he wasn’t willing to help me. I thought it was cold, but I decided that I would talk to the teacher myself. It didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, but it taught me a lesson in the chain of command.

Even with food in the house, he was militant. If you didn’t like what was on the menu, or you had a special request for the grocery store it was met with silence. If you wanted something that was off the meal-plan than you had to buy it yourself. I asked him once if he’d pick me up some salad dressing if I paid him for it and he said, “I’m not going down that aisle, you need to pick it up yourself”.

We had a lot of rules regarding cleanliness and chores. Most of my friends had maids or a stay at home mom that handled that type of stuff. On Friday’s if I wanted to do something after work he would ask if my room was ready for “inspection”. He’d halfway joke about breaking out the white gloves, but I knew he would if he thought I had slacked off so even the lampshades were dusted on a weekly basis.

My father did do a good job of telling me that he loved me. He said it, and still says it, all of the time. But growing up, he was raising me to be self-reliant. If I wanted anything, I was going to have to work for it. This skill has directly translated to my success in the workplace as an adult. He taught me some key military values: nobody deserves special treatment, handle your own problems, and if you want something, you need to work for it.

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Simple floral with an affordable blazer from Target

As a woman in business, I learned these fundamentals at an early stage which has propelled me forward. Every morning I wake up with a voice in my head saying “Feet on the floor, Theodora.”

EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED LEADERSHIP

 

“Don’t let your emotions undermine your business”, is what I was told by a 40 something male boss when I was an early 20’s something emotional female. “Operate under facts and data and your business life will be more fruitful”, he said. At the time, I thought he was being insensitive but later learned that he was indeed correct.

What happens when a leader allows their emotions to compromise their business? Nothing good, I can tell you that. And chances are that the leader is immensely insecure which compromises the business in its entirety. I am not suggesting that the leader act as if emotions don’t matter. I am suggesting that leaders should have the ability to manage their own emotions and also be able to influence and recognize others’ emotions. By recognizing the emotions of others, a true leader can then fully utilize facts and data to influence the emotions of others on their team. And by managing their own emotions, a leader can overcome many business obstacles.

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This is a spin on the traditional work LBD. Add an MM LaFleur Jardigan and a thin belt (Gucci in this picture) and you are officially ready.

 

Managing your emotions may be a hard business habit to break. It took me several years in my late 20’s to really understand how to take criticism as a compliment. While I still haven’t mastered managing my emotions, I do consider myself ahead of the game. Here are a few thought processes to help you manage your emotions:

 

Evaluate – take the time to (as objectively) evaluate the scenario. When I have harsh feedback, instead of immediately responding, my canned response is, “let me get back to you on that.” In some circumstances, it’s something I can resolve in a brisk walk and in others I need to sleep on it.

Resolve – be active in finding the solution to the scenario to cause the emotion. This will help you work through the process of your emotions as well as give you a positive experience in finding a solution

Communicate – While working toward the solution, clearly articulate in a non-emotional manner your methodology in your scenario. This will give the critic the opportunity to understand why and lead to less friction in the future.

 

Understand that emotions were developed as survival mechanisms and are hardwired into our biology, just like metabolic processes and muscular reflexes, so it is okay and biologically correct to experience emotions.  When I experience a leader that rules by emotion, I know that they will not be in that role for long. Ruling without facts and data and running on an emotional high only suffices the need for yourself and not the business at hand. It’s best to take a pause, evaluate, communicate, and move along.

“Sleep On It” : Dealing with Distraction

My boss, and owner of TheOProtocol has been an integral part of my professional life for the past five years. As I navigate a cluster of “seasons” that all seem to be overlapping one another;  this has been especially true. When she sees me starting to sink into the mud in one capacity or another, she is always quick with some words of wisdom to help me reset.

Yesterday, as I showed up to the office late, not as put together as I would have liked and otherwise flooding with emotion over personal “nonsense”, she offered another piece of advice that I will keep in my arsenal as I move forward in my career. Interestingly enough, it is one I’ve heard her say to candidates in the past as they consider job offers so that they may not make any decisions with a distracted mind: “The biggest life moves are marriage, children, home buying and career moves. Take a minute. Sleep on it.”  I translated this message into the following:

It was clear that I let what should have been a simple morning get away from me over something that could have been dealt with later on in the day, tomorrow or wasn’t even worth the mental space. I spent the morning being extremely distracted. As a 31 year old professional in the midst of a new marriage, fresh off the purchase of a new home, chasing a two year old and pregnant with another, these words could not have rung any more tried and true. There have been some major changes in my life; all of which carry an extreme amount of DISTRACTION. These distractions can be a career cancer if one is not careful. What start out as simple tasks or worries can grow into catastrophe if not dealt with appropriately. I let them get the best of me. For the other 99% of the population, this could have been a critical error in ones professional status.
Dealing with distraction can seem like a vertical climb as opposed to just an uphill battle. With so much going on, it is key to highlight what is important in the “now” so that you may sort out what is important for the future. Truth be told, heeding the advice of the experienced and taking a moment to pause, think about one thing at a time, develop a plan and then sleep on it, can provide you with the clear headed, forward thinking, constructive mindset you need as you navigate the next steps in your life. If you wake up in the morning still feeling good about your decision, whether it be a new home, a career move or even just a commitment to picking out what you’re going to wear the night before, then you know you’re making the right move for you; one that was made free of distraction and mental haze. Staying disorganized, disheveled and scattered will not only have an impact on your happiness but it can quickly dismantle your career and have a domino affect on the rest of your life.
So the next time you’re feeling like your being crushed by the weight of your house, your kids, your marriage, schedule or your career; take the time to dissect your mind, prioritize your thoughts, and sleep on it.

An Hour a Day – A Resolution

“I just don’t see how you have the time to always look so put together”, said a former fulltime working mom who recently transitioned into a stay at home mom. She is an incredible mom and had invited me to a party over the summer with some of her new, stay at home mom friends. She had organized the party to break up the long summer of having the kids out of school. It was a mid-week chance for the moms and the kids to catch up. I arrived at 10:00 AM party ready for the day to find the rest of the moms in yoga pants and without makeup. It was a Wednesday, but it wouldn’t have mattered to me if it was a Saturday, if it’s after 8:30AM, I am ready for the day.

Desk to Dinner
This great “desk to dinner” look is as versatile as it is practical and stylish. A tailored leather jacket is a great way to add a chic flare to any office dress- taking you from day to night. A hair cut and style that is easily manageable is also a great way to keep your look polished and transferable to whatever you may have on your schedule that day. Keeping the makeup simple and natural also makes for easy wear as the day unfolds.

Truth be told, the reason why I get ready for the day even on the weekends, is because I do not have time. It may seem counter-intuitive, but it’s true. When you are responsible for juggling kids, a company, and multiple civic/charitable causes, you don’t have time. Especially to make mid-day clothing changes or to go home and take a shower. While I do take a change of shoes with me on the weekend, I rarely change my clothes throughout the day and my hair and makeup can usually make it into the evening for whatever we have on the social agenda. It’s a huge time-saver and I never have that awkward moment in the grocery that some do when they aren’t feeling presentable.

Also on the topic was our local Burn Boot Camp. Several of the women were raving about it and the social aspect of the group. It came around to me and I mentioned that I workout in my basement with some free weights, an elliptical, and some Youtube videos. Plus, I have a park across the street in which I can walk. I legitimately do not have time to drive to workout and I am not interested in the social benefits of group fitness, as I have a full social calendar. A mom piped up and said she “didn’t have the time to work out either” but later rattled off a list of the TV shows she was watching on Netflix.

Speaking of TV, the topic took center stage at the party. One thing all of the moms had in common was a love for watching TV shows. In an attempt to be inclusive of me, one of the mom’s asked what I watch. I realized that I have no idea of what’s on TV, but I love listening to NPR in the morning while I am getting dressed.  I immediately felt like a huge nerd…huge nerd… so I also said that I listen to their non-news programming on Sunday’s when I am cooking dinner for the week. I cook on Sunday’s for most of the week to save time during the busy week. This was met with awe and silence. I explained that 3 hours on Sunday afternoon/evening saves me 6 hours during the week. My make-up and day to night presentable appearance were excused in this one simple concept of cooking multiple meals, double batching and freezing to save time in between practices and school engagements.

What I really wanted to say to the group overall, is this – you are only an hour away from proactively managing your day. Wake up an hour earlier, get ready for the day, have your workout finished and take a few hours on Sunday to manage your week. As you sit down and think of how to accomplish your resolutions for the year, consider waking up an hour earlier and see how it can change your day, week, and life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Gift of Poor Leadership

“I’m not going to put numbers down in an offer until you tell me you will take the role”. That was the offer proposed to me by a former boss’s boss who was seeking to replace my boss. How could I possibly take the internal promotion without knowing what the offer was in numbers and expectations? Because she was technically my bosses boss, I understood the importance of treading lightly. Losing my job was not an option for me. My bosses boss, sitting in a different office halfway across the United States, would frequently call me in regard to my boss’s whereabouts. I grew up with a chain of command mentality, so I would often reply that I was unaware of his whereabouts and that she should contact him directly. It wasn’t that I was a fan of my immediate boss or that I was seeking to protect him, rather that I was abiding the rules of appropriate engagement.gift (2)

After speaking at the Women Who Count Conference several months ago, I was invited into a table discussion regarding inspiring female role models at work. As the conference attendees spoke about the powerful female role models they had experienced at work, I was coming up empty. I legitimately could not think of a single female role model in the workplace. Perhaps this is because the industry was male-dominated at the time. The only female in a superior role to me had been the individual I mentioned in the former paragraph.

It did get me thinking though. I felt lucky that I had the exposure to a chaos-inducing boss. Not only did she cross professional boundaries, but she would also cross personal boundaries. She felt the need to be in the “know” with employees personal dilemmas and would often let others know of the employees lives outside of work. I watched as she manipulated employees, specifically females, by gaining their trust in keeping secrets of their personal lives. In return, she would use it as leverage as an employer. She often pitted individuals against each other and would watch the fallout only to come in later to aid in the reconcile and secure her status as the perceived peace-maker. She encouraged her employees to live just outside of their financial means as a retention strategy. I learned to keep her at an arm’s length and it earned me the name “Ice Queen” in certain circles.

I do not believe that she did this out of malice, but out of her own insecurity. She had come to the top of the industry from a lot of hard work, but the investment in her as a leader wasn’t returned. She was a producer, not a leader, which are equally important in every company. She had no idea of what leadership meant and it was not her fault. As a distraction, she created unnecessary chaos throughout the company which destroyed employees trust in each other but left her in her position as the “steady” leader. She lost some of the best real talents I have ever seen in the recruiting arena. Had she the foresight to ask for help in her development it may have been different and perhaps I would still be with that company. It may sound odd to have a tremendous amount of respect for what her lack of fundamentals and toxic leadership taught me, but it’s enabled me to be a better leader for my company. She taught me how to not lead and that is a gracious gift.

Regarding the position she sort-of offered me, I declined and I followed my husband’s career in Germany instead. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Since then, I heard the Board of Directors finally invested in her and she has overcome a good deal of her flaws as a leader. I am happy for her and the company that she leads. Her past serves as an example of what not to do while her future is an example of how anyone can overcome flaws. Poor leadership is a gift in many ways. Happy Holidays from The Office Protocol and enjoy the season with those you love.